Nov 24th, 2023.
the jackfruit cartel
Vegetational Vigilance: Plant Parenting in the Digital Age.
In the past, plant parents relied on primitive methods to monitor their botanical babies. Like observing the leaves or, heaven forbid, touching the soil. But now, we've entered an era of hi-tech vegetation vigilance, where a smart plant app notifies a plant's every sigh, every rustle, every shed to its over-anxious guardian.
Visualise a peaceful Sunday afternoon, a plant parent sipping on her wheatgrass (WG) smoothie, endlessly scrolling through social media, and suddenly—DING! DING! DING! A smart plant app urgently notifies her of the crises unfolding in the corner of her living room and backyard.
1- Frond 4, leaflet 5, sub-leaflet 2 on Fern 1 is allegedly displaying early signs of hypothermia due to a dip in the room temperature. Tailor the ambient temperature to the fern’s preference.
2- Petal 3, flower 2 on Sunflower plant 4 is sunbathing excessively, risking a potential sunburn. Immediately implement SPF measures.
3- Branch 8, twig 2, leaf 5, lemon 1 is experiencing an identity crisis, uncertain about its shape and shade of green. Swift reassurance needed to avert a foliage-based meltdown.
The plant parent, still clutching the WG smoothie, rushes to the scene of the perceived horticultural disaster. She arrives at her plant- an innocent little potted fern that dared to shiver mildly, all because the room temperature, akin to a summer breeze, has sent cold waves through the plant's very chlorophyll.
​
The parent, feeling unnecessarily guilty, implements a carefully orchestrated cure. First, with a swift hand, she turns off the ceiling fan. Magically, with just this single intervention, the sub-leaflet ceases shivering. Undeterred, the dedicated parent then tweaks the air conditioner by a mere fraction. And next in the curative sequence, she delicately administers a gentle mist of tepid water, providing the much-needed warmth to the once quivering sub-leaflet.
The plant parent, still tightly gripping her now warm WG smoothie, races to the scene of the sunflower's sun-soaked peril, and discovers Petal 3 is indeed on the brink of a photosynthetic catastrophe. With a surgeon's precision, she deftly snips the petal and swiftly saves the flower from further solar sabotage.
Expressing its gratitude, the sunflower blooms anew, although now missing a petal, resembling a radiant smile with a missing tooth.
​
Without wasting a moment, grabbing a therapist's chair (crafted from sustainable bamboo, naturally), and still holding the now warmer-than-before WG smoothie, she leaps to the lemon tree for a therapeutic tête-à-tête.
Since the lemon tree's identity crisis requires a more nuanced approach; the parent engages in a heartfelt dialogue with the near depressed lemon. Offering words of reassurance, she conveys it’s absolutely okay not to conform to never-heard-before standards of citrus aesthetics. Finally, she engages in an auditory and a sensory therapy session by whispering sweet, soothing, silly sounds all while tickling the base of the sceptical lemon.
In just three taps, and to everyone's surprise, the lemon blushes into a vibrant yellow and, in an instant, ripens with newfound vitality.
As all the plants regain composure and luxuriate in the cocoon of warm love, provided by its doting parent, the miniature green drama gracefully concludes.
Feeling satisfied, the plant parent finally resumes the endless scrolling on social media and crossposting the hourly updates of her plants’ emotional recovery on all social media platforms while still holding the noticeably warm WG smoothie.
Disclaimer: The above content contains elements of satire and witty commentary intended for entertainment purposes only. It is not to be taken seriously or as a reflection of actual beliefs or opinions. Please approach the content with a lighthearted perspective and enjoy it for its humorous and exaggerated nature.