It is a truth universally acknowledged that no matter how exalted your station in life, you will never be immune to the basic realities of being a human. You too would have experienced, just like anyone else, the hapless situation of having to let that freight train pass in a social setting.

It is a most difficult predicament indeed, for the more one ascends the rungs of society, the more precarious the situation becomes. In the midst of passing judgments, inking lucrative deals, or during a stirring award’s speech, the elite, in particular, must exercise utmost discretion and gauge the target, timing and payload of their tail-end torpedoes.

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For while animals may let rip with impunity, humans must exercise a certain decorum in such matters. Woebegone, if you happen to be a diplomat. It is a heavy burden when faced with the mounting decision of whether to tolerate or tame the toot. But it must be borne with utmost poise and dignity, lest an ill-timed blast should lead to a diplomatic incident and upset the delicate balance of international relations and emotionally scar the innocent bystanders for life. Not only can it be seen as a cultural faux pas in some parts, but it may also deem a diplomat a liability by his own country.

Some may argue that anything natural deserves acceptance, but the degree of acceptance, one may receive, is based on the severity of the olfactory or auditory assault on others. Therefore, the art of discreet gassing is not one to be taken lightly. It requires a certain finesse, a certain je ne sais quoi, if you will.

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It would be advisable to continue reading in order to ascertain the most opportune moment and manner for detaining, and discharging, the said emissions. Additionally, one ought to consider employing certain escape or diversionary tactics if the eruption, in question, is suspected to be sinister in scent or sound, or worse yet, both!

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Retain? Restrict? Release?

A great conundrum to face indeed, when the whirlwind, within, begins to brew. One must first swiftly decide whether to bear, bridle, or blast it. Only then the most fitting tactic shall be employed. To that end, here are the sites where you may or may not engage your rear artillery.

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Retain

Of all the secrets to keep, the sphincter’s sonata must surely rank amongst the highest. Yet, one cannot deny the challenges of concealing such a performance. Perhaps even I, as a conscientious advisor, would not advocate retention, but the weight of social consequences may force one to overrule and hope for the best.

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When in a small space, you may have to deny the body its urge. You mustn’t even let one slip, for it will victimise everyone with no means of escape; additionally display a shocking disrespect for their presence; and also give you away easily. the aftermath of such an occurrence will require a great deal of apologising and explaining on your part.

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Since this technique entails health risks, it is better to always ensure you’re free of such rumblings before you enter small spaces. Else, pray the victims be merciful should your bouquet or boom, betray you. And rest assured, they will.

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You must be on high alert in: fully-occupied public and private transport, motorised and manual stairs, conference rooms, office pantry, trial room, waiting room, recording booth, movie hall, and oh my! elevator — the very thought sends shivers down the spine.

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In the event that one must retain, there are two techniques that may prove useful. However, let it be known that these techniques are not new, but rather tried and true methods that have been unknowingly employed as long ago as the last time you had to mute a melody.

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The Iron Curtain

 

Much like a soldier at attention, this technique demands that one clench their buttocks with determination, just as one would quickly draw two curtains together, effectively blocking even the slightest whiff of air from escaping. While the stiff lower lip may entail pain or discomfort, the payoff is worth every whimper.

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This technique is best avoided like an onion milkshake, as holding in a fart can lead to newer troubles, and not even your doctor would approve it. If you must use it, do so, but only at locations or in situations where you can be easily caught. For sometimes it’s better to sacrifice a little bit of your health than your entire reputation!

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The Iron Fist

When the gusty gale threatens to break through the Iron Curtain with its relentless pressure, it’s time to employ The Iron Fist, as an adjunct, for a show of greater force.

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One has to clench one’s fists together so tightly that the pressure ceases to build, so this technique demands a grip that can crush an apple; And a mountaineering endurance to bear the agony of pushing the gust back to the gut.

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This is the only known method of retention, unless, of course, you’re privy to some new technique. But, let us not get our hopes up, shall we?

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Restrict

When the body expels gas, it does so with such force that it causes the sphincter to vibrate rapidly, creating a sound that is less than elegant. The volume and pitch of the sound, of course, depend on the quantity and pressure of the gas, as well as the, ahem, diameter of the sphincter.

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Fortunately, there are situations where one may let off some steam, but depending on the proximity of the audience it may be necessary to tune the pitch. But do keep in mind that there is a chance, however slight, that your airy shrapnel may pierce the nose of an innocent bystander, whom you may unabashedly neglect to notice. So, do murmur a sincere apology as you squeeze that shot. For a hasty escape without a sorry would be nothing short of hit and run. Truly ruthless.

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One must ensure that no one is within earshot or downwind of the potential explosion, and bravely employ the Silent Symphony. Remember, a true master of flatulence management is not the one to suppress the gaseous urges, but rather the one to navigate them with poise, grace and stealth.

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The Silent Symphony

If the Iron Curtain and Iron Fist seem to have a failing grip, or if you find yourself in sufficient solitude, you may, bit by bit, deflate your derrière to the degree of relief that the situation allows. However, pray the scent doesn’t betray you.

The success of this technique is guaranteed only if the Iron Curtain is parted slowly, with millimetric precision, wisp by wisp, like a smoke signal. For, should you recklessly rip the Iron Curtain apart, you may risk a Clamorous Cacophony, the very antithesis of the Silent Symphony.

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Tips while executing the Silent Symphony:

•     Distance yourself, if possible.

•     Squirm in various angles to deftly navigate the wind through the tunnel.

•     Avoid eye contact with anyone as it requires focus to release slowly. Also the             other person may detect your struggle.

•     Refrain from speaking and laughing loudly, unless they can mask the sound.

•     If seated, casually bend to side and lift to a max of 30 degrees to allow the wind       to escape, anything more, you might as well let it roar with abandon.

•     If standing, shift weight between legs and release.

•     Do not attempt this technique while walking, it is guaranteed to fail.

 

 

The nose knows what the ears don’t.

Only in the realm of wishful thinking, we can subdue the smell in realtime, or wear an underwear made of activated charcoal to deodorise the wind.

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But in reality…

To keep your fart from being known, eat healthy and it won’t be shown.

Your identity will remain a mystery, as long your bowels aren’t too history.

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Even the most skilled wellness warrior cannot achieve this feat without a watchful eye on what one eats and how. It’s not always easy to stick to a diet, but it’s worth it for your health and others’ noses. To avoid any embarrassing episodes during any significant event, it’s best to steer clear of these character assassins:

 

Avoid: Non-vegetarian, dairy, fried, garlicky, high-fat, outside, oily, packaged, processed, raw, spicy, and sugary food. And aerated drinks (both alcoholic or non- alocholic)

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Eat in moderation: Raddish, broccoli, cauliflower, cabbage, beans, lentils, onions.

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Also, eating like a vacuum cleaner may seem like a good idea when you’re famished, but it’s a surefire way to cause some unwanted flatulence. Instead, take your time and savour each bite, like a food critic analysing every flavour and texture.

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Chew your food, at least 15 times, to break it down into smaller, more digestible pieces, and avoid swallowing air like it’ll be taxed from tomorrow. Bear in mind, just because the restaurant offers an all-you-can-eat buffet doesn’t mean you have to put their supply to the test. A little self-restraint can go a long way in guarding your honour.

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So, should there be a big day, then be mindful of those pungent perpetrators and your eating habits, unless you want to disperse a crowd like a gunshot would.

 

The Smellminators

While everyone’s digestive system is unique, here are some foods likely to ease your breeze.

•     Simple homemade food

•     Leafy greens like spinach of any type

•     Watery fruits like: melons, pineapples and citrus fruits.

•     Vegetables like cucumbers, carrots, tomatoes

•     Whole grains like quinoa, brown rice, and oats

•     Nuts and seeds like almonds, walnuts, and chia seeds

•     Herbal teas like peppermint, chamomile, and ginger

•     Spices like turmeric, cumin, and coriander.

 

 

Release

Oh, the great outdoors! In vast, open spaces with nobody nearby, one may let fly just as in the comfort of your home, with no holds barred, without regard for any shots fired. It is truly the most bountiful of blessings, for one to experience full relief without any repercussions. Let it be gone with the wind, and may the breeze be ever in your favour!

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In the watery future that the world may one day wade into, the invisible nature of farts will no longer be so, as even the slightest bubble in the water is enough to reveal the flatulist even before he or she can utter a ‘pardon me’. Until that day arrives, let us be grateful that we can still maintain our anonymity and release our rhapsodies undetected.

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May your gusts be gentle and your storms be few.

May your flatulence remain discreet and odour-free too.

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Far’t’well for now, gas-ta la vista!