Jan 17th, 2024.
Crouching Tiger & a Lone Biker
11 min. read
Bhadra Tiger Reserve, in Karnataka, is a canvas painted with hills, hairpin bends and streams, all cloaked in greenery. With drizzle and mist setting the mood, any biker would feel like they're living the Royal Enfield dream- wind in your hair, Bullet’s thump in the air, and the road all to yourself – it's like being the king of the jungle on two wheels.
However, instead of cruising through this beautiful terrain on his trusty Bullet, a lone biker finds himself sweating bullets, quite literally, as he pushes his motorcycle uphill. His heart’s apparently thumping louder than his Bullet’s exhaust. His mouth’s drier than his fuel tank. Mobile network too fails him, much like his judgement while calculating the fuel for the ride. It all jolted him like a nasty pothole he saw coming but chose not to avoid.
With joints aching, he halts for a breather. His tank may be empty, but regret overflows as he frustratingly slaps the innocent tank with his gloves, as if blaming it for his mistake. Not satisfied with just the motorcycle, he now hurls a small boulder at the faultless hills, accusing them of granting him exactly what he wished for – a lonely ride.
The same terrain that was all magical and liberating when he was riding, now appears to him like a backdrop of a low-budget horror film titled - Fuel Dead - Silence of the Thumps.
Isolation intensifies, as he realises his lodging and the nearest forest checkpoint are so far that even a carrier pigeon would think twice before taking the gig. With two hours to sunset and deep in the tiger reserve, he couldn't help but acknowledge the thought - he’s no longer on a ride; he's on the menu!
He checks his phone again, and there's a glimmer of hope in his eyes. Somehow, the mobile signal reaches his phone through a crack in the leafy ceiling above him. He quickly dials the homestay where he's booked, but that number remains frustratingly out of reach. Now, he's wondering whom to call next. Friends are out – too far and stuck with work on this Monday afternoon. Family? He finds it safer to remain here than call them.
Lost in contemplation, a mental gear shifts, he suddenly remembers that he'd wisely picked a motorcycle insurance cover that included free petrol assistance, all the way from Kashmir to Kanyakumari; Arunachal to Gujarat.
Relieved to have the policy with him, he dials the number with anticipation. As the call connects, he bursts into a "HELLO!" and quietens as the IVR menu guides him through language selection, new or existing customer, vehicle selection and service options before he finally hears the golden words: "Press 9 to speak to our Customer Care Executive.”
He does as asked, and the IVR reassures him that his call is valuable and kindly asks him to wait, further assuring him that he will be attended next. The wait continues.
The call finally connects. A monotonous nasal voice greets him detachedly. Each syllable void of emotion, care or concern.
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CCE: Thank you for calling Delay and Deny Insurance Pvt. Ltd.. My name is Vyarth. How may I help you today?
Biker: (frantically) Hi Vyarth, this is urgent! I just remembered the free fuel assistance you provide for your policy holders if they run out of fuel. I have a valid policy and unfortunately, I’m out of petrol and now I’m stuck in this tiger reserve. How quick can you send someone bro? It's getting dark.
Vyarth: (takes a moment to process and unconcernedly asks) … first share your policy number, sir.
Biker reads out the policy number. And Vyarth keys that in.
Vyarth: (indifferently) Wait. Let me check your policy... Ah, here it is.
Biker eases a bit.
Vyarth: Bad news, sir.
Biker’s heart skips a thump.
Biker: (anxiously) Bad news ah? What is it? Tell bro.
Vyarth: (with unapologetic indifference) Sir, I could’ve helped you if you’d run out of petrol yesterday.
Biker: (distraught) Aye, what are you saying boss? Tell properly.
Vyarth: (matter of fact) I mean the free petrol assistance offer was withdrawn just yesterday.
Hearing this, the biker’s sphincter clenches, as a reaction to things getting even worse than they already are. At this point, any hope of rescue suffers a puncture.
Biker: (seething) HELLO! BOSS! Whaaat are you saying!!?? Are you joking?
Vyarth: (coolly) I can’t be joking, especially when you’re in danger sir.
Biker: (roaring) Bleddy nonsense! What the hell are you saying!? I bought your stupid insurance because of the free petrol rescue. Now you’re coolly saying you’ve withdrawn it yesterday!
Vyarth: (with bureaucratic nonchalance) If that's what you heard, then that's what I said sir. Just to clarify, even if you’d run out of fuel yesterday, I’d have still said no. We strictly provide that only within city and town limits, certainly not in tiger reserves, sir. It’s all in the T&C, sir.
Biker: (raging) Aee! What T&C you’re talking about? Why nobody told me? Bleddy cheaters! Pakka chors you all are! That scoundrel salesman just took my signature and didn’t show me the T&C at all while selling. He quietly sold off this useless insurance just by telling free petrol rescue, I also like a fool, bought it!
Vyarth: (nonchalantly) Sir, you're not a fool for buying it, but maybe a bit foolish for not reading the terms and conditions before agreeing to them. It is clearly mentioned, that the offer can be withdrawn without prior notice. It's all there in the agreement you signed. So that's on you, not us.
The biker realises, like a clueless lamb, he’s walked right into a marketing trap. As the temperature dips in the forest, signalling the onset of darkness, an extra layer of regret blankets him. He now understands how important it is to check the T&C as well, even if it requires a microscope.
Biker: (enraged) You and your terms and conditions! Nobody told me when they sold me this stupid f*****g insurance! Boss! You only tell me who reads that nonsense! I trusted you guys! I thought insurance was supposed to help people when they’re stranded, not screw them!
Vyarth: (firm) Sir, look in your bike’s rear view mirror for a second. It is he who screwed you. Not us. You've managed to do it to yourself. Don’t blame us for your actions.
The biker subconsciously looks in the rearview mirror and cringes at the sight staring back at him.
Biker: (fuming) You know what? I wish this happens to you too! Today only! Your bike too will run out of fuel, and your insurance too will be worthless! Then we’ll see!
Vyarth: (regretfully) You wasted a wish on me, sir. I use an electric bike and I walk to work. You could’ve used it on yourself for a quick escape from the tiger spot you’re calling from sir. Anyway, is there anything else I can assist you with sir?
Biker: (yelling into the phone) You’re heartless! You’re a scammer! I trusted your company!
Vyarth: (defensively) Don’t call me heartless, I’m an organ donor, sir! Also, this is not a scam, sir. You yourself agreed to the T&C when you signed up. Perhaps next time, you'll read what you're agreeing to.
Biker: (exploding) You arrogant prick! You criminal! You think this is funny? You think it's a joke leaving me stranded in this tiger sanctuary. If anything happens, I’ll hold you responsible.
Vyarth: (friendly) I’m sure I'll lose sleep over it, sir. However, considering your situation, I can offer you one solution. If you're interested, I'll tell you.
As Vyarth hints at a possible solution, the biker’s mood shifts. He’s intrigued.
Biker: (subdued) What is it? Tell?
Vyarth: (with genuine concern) Since you’re stuck in a tiger reserve, losing daylight and time on this call, why don’t you protect yourself with our best life insurance cover, sir? If anything happens, your nominee will get the full amount, as financial relief, if not an emotional one. I'll use the details I already have on file. Share your nominee and credit card details, I’ll complete the payment from my end. Quick sir, decide, my shift ends in a few minutes.
As the absurdity sinks in, the biker’s fury bubbles like a slow-cooked curry and reaches a boiling point of betrayal - Instead of a lifeline, he’s given a deadline.
Biker: (boiling) My whole life can end in the next few minutes and you…! You are sick! And you know what? You also make me sick! Is there anyone at all who likes you? You need god’s help more than I do! I’m recording this call. I will bleddy blast this all over social media and rip your company apart! I will sue YOU! I will drag YOU to court! YOU will go to hell!
Vyarth: (impatient) Sir, for now, I’d rather you worry about a tiger dragging YOU into a bush! And considering your luck today, YOU might reach hell first, sir! And, guess what, I have an insurance plan for that journey as well sir! Can you confirm before that happens? Else I can assist the next customer who bothered to read the terms and conditions, sir.
Facing Vyarth's unyielding stance was like slamming headfirst into a brick wall. With nothing left to say, the biker falls on his knees listlessly. His face drops, shoulders slump, and arms hang loosely by his sides. Ignoring Vyarth's repeated pleas for a response, he focuses on the one thing he could control – his breath.
He takes deep breaths, each inhale heavier than the last. Suddenly, chatter from the treetops above him grows louder by the second, as if mocking his misfortune. But little does the poor biker know that they are actually warning him of an imminent danger.
A silent, deadly observer has been crouching in the nearby bush, all the while, preparing to strike - eyes locked onto its vulnerable prey, muscles coiled and killer paws on the edge of their jump. With a subtle twitch in its tail, a tiger was calculating the perfect moment to pounce and seize the biker.
Sadly unaware of the crouching tiger behind him, he begins to hyperventilate on hearing Vyarth’s telephonic voice persistently seeking a response from him. His ribcage expands and contracts. And with each breath, a new found rage simmers within him.
Having pent up enough rage, he tilts his head back, exposes his neck, and lets out a long guttural roar, a bit like a dragon with indigestion, challenging the injustice of the situation.
As the roar echoes through the forest, the tiger makes its move. It leaps into action. The forest holds its breath. The suspense lingers in the air. Just when the tension reaches its peak, the tiger reveals its choice – it leaps and bolts in the opposite direction, swiftly charging into the bushes, tail tucked in fear, frightened by the sheer intensity of the biker's unexpected roar.
The biker swiftly notices the rustle of leaves. He instantly recognises the stripes disappearing into the bushes and turns pale. In a mix of terror and confusion, he involuntarily wets his pants and hastily sprints in whichever direction his legs take him, pitifully unaware that it is actually he, who struck fear in the tiger’s heart. It is he, whom the tiger is running away from.
Both run tirelessly, refusing to even look back. Electrifying chatter, from the trees above, now seems to cheer the biker and tease the tiger!
The mad dash continues. Any moment, he expects the tiger to catch up, but instead, irony catches up. The very riding gear he purchased to save his life were now efficiently doing the opposite, by slowing him down and reducing the gap between him and the tiger, he believes to be chasing him.
Realising their futility, the biker, in the middle of his run, hurriedly discards, one by one, his oh-so-cool gear: gloves, helmet, sunglasses, elbow guards, jacket, knee guards, boots, and finally the fancy riding pant. Now partly nude, he accelerates even faster with a new found agility, feeling the wind in his hair (and a bit elsewhere) until the reassuring sight of a forest jeep appears on the horizon.
Meanwhile, the tiger, without any wardrobe malfunction, manages to cross two mountains, until the welcome sight of its family or its haven comes into its view.
However, both couldn’t escape the shame as they return to their own kind. Upon hearing the biker’s ordeal, the forest officials hail his bravery and brand him a purified idiot. On the other side, news of the tiger’s hasty retreat spreads like wildfire and becomes the talk of the jungle. Expecting ridicule, the tiger decides to stay put until the buzz fades away.
Nevertheless, despite the shared shame, both the biker and the tiger find comfort in the simple joy of just being alive.
Disclaimer: The above content contains elements of satire and witty commentary intended for entertainment purposes only. It is not to be taken seriously or as a reflection of actual beliefs or opinions. Please approach the content with a lighthearted perspective and enjoy it for its humorous and exaggerated nature.